NYC is teaching me how to love...

What is burning to be said? 

I ask myself this question every time I write one of these posts. All the ideas in my notebook dangle above my head like a rainbow colored mobile of thought bubbles. Maybe this…or maybe THIS! 

And then I go for a sun-streaked stroll along Spring street (say that three times fast) and the creative food I need appears here, in this #bleedinghearts mural by John Goldcrown. 

I begin to imagine my body is morphing into this bright background of hearts kind of like Gotye and Kimbra in the song Somebody that I used to know,  until I am totally camouflaged. It doesn’t feel like a concrete jungle anymore, more like a really f*cking cool music video. That’s the magic of NYC. 

I feel accomplished making it to two years here. A solid victory “I got this” face.

I know how to ride the waves of people. Getting from point A to point B without delay or street traffic gets me high. I feel like water. 

Then, BAM. 
Reality check!  

dog shit EVERYwhere
screeching train and ambulance sounds
mentally ill yelling at the demons in their head
solicitors coming at you about climate change
a dead rat tumbling down the subway stairs (true story) 
miles of uphill stair climbing

It can feel like satin’s obstacle course.

Last week I was running errands in 30 mph rainy winds. I watched umbrellas get sucked up into the sky to die. I felt like Lieutenant Dan in the storm. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but I roared right back at the elements then realized the roar sounded more like a pirate saying "arrrrr" so I laughed instead. 

I could let these challenging moments harden me. It has. It's softened me too. Because when I choose the path of least resistance moments of awe, connection and magic appear. 

NYC, is teaching me how to choose LOVE over and over again. 

Cheers to two more years. 

This Italian Aria changed my life!

You've felt it before. 
When a song hits you at your very core and you lose yourself in its musical prowess. 
It can change your life.
It changed mine. 

While visiting family in upstate New York this past week for the holidays, I caught "A Mirror has Two Faces," on T.V. with Barbara Streisand and Jeff Bridges. An Italian aria written by Giacomo Puccino called "Nessun Dorma" sung by Luciano Pavarotti plays during a climactic scene at the end of the film. I have no doubt you have heard it before, but please do your heart a favor and listen to it again here. 

This song changed my life that day. I thought to myself, I want to live my days aligned with a vibration of "YES, I AM UNSTOPPABLE. VINCERO!" Vincero my friends. Just saying it over and over and over induces confidence. It is my anthem for 2016. Maybe, after listening to it, it'll be yours too or at least get you thinking about the song or songs that inspire you to come ALIVE and reach for something HIGHER. 

As many of you know, I am living in NYC building a career in voiceover and acting. I live with radical trust that this IS the path for me. 2015 reaped opportunities to grow and contribute in this industry. I was so proud to hear my voice in this google reminder demo. It was a "VINCERO" moment for me. I feel many more of these moments are on their way in 2016. Do you believe it to be true for yourself too? I hope you do and I'd love to hear more about it in the comment box below. It's so important to celebrate our triumphs and to visualize the ones to come as if they've already happened. 

Yours with confidence, 

Jenna

From Fuck You to Thank you

There is a drawer we all have - it's where our wires go from all the gadgets we accumulate over the years and they're usually tangled in knots.  Wires we will never use most likely. Lately, I have been looking inside those drawers within myself asking...

What needs untangling? 
What can be thrown out?
What can be saved? 

This drawer is called my Fuck You drawer. It's where I have stored knotted failures, relationships, condemnations, self-loathings, ego, sorrows, disappointments, betrayals...a kind of hurt locker filled with stories, wound up so tight, the wires have melted into each other forming a heavy onyx ball. Knots that began at a very small age and over time have gotten (thankfully) smaller through some therapy, self-inquiry and in sharing with kindred souls who can bear the weight of my story. The result being moments of mutually respectful vulnerability, increased connection and trust.

Which brings me to my Thank You drawer. A place where the former spills then flows like a babbling brook over unearthed diamonds of engagements with deep joy, meaning, connection, voice, movement, truth, authenticity, and high definition love so true it can cut onyx in half. The love I can only give myself. 

From Fuck You to Thank You I already feel a patient untangling, a psychic weight lifting. Already I am refining the question "What can be thrown out," to "What needs to be felt?" Burrowing inside the cool earth of that question whispers an answer, "handle with care." I have much to feel and it all will save me before I reach the end of the wire I like to believe,  because I think in the passage from what once felt heavy to what now feels light, is a return to my normal state of being, a place that doesn't look like a drawer but feels more like a welcoming reunion. 

Getting back into shape for all the world to see

I'm sick of the story that goes,  "oh, I used to be in such great shape, and well, ya know, LIFE happened!" I get it. LIFE happens. But let's unpack LIFE like a bag of delicious maple bacon kettle chips. If you haven't tried these, you're missing what truth tastes like and oh they're vegan for all you Californians who are reading this. I digress, the sweet smell of bacon makes me do that. LIFE. Life for me these past few months have looked like the occasional delicious croissant or two, late night take out thai or ramen, dinner outings in the bounty of good eats known as NYC, homemade meats prepared to perfection by my very skilled in the kitchen boyfriend... I am living the food dream folks!  I am eating WELL. So well, my NON-skinny jeans are working overtime to accommodate my stomach, ass and thighs. I was really bummed the other day when I saw the threads in the seam of my inner pant leg opening up into a hole. "Dammit" I thought, "I just got you three months ago." And the next thought was, "oh, it's just water weight." The past is so blurry. Intensity has come over my face like Olivia Benson in SVU. Time to figure out what feels like the inner workings of a fat hijacking. Since this isn't possible, I have a few inklings where the weight came from: 

• Stress 
• Denial 
• Slow metabolism

Oh if only I could watch them played out in a Pixar animated feature film. Why not?  I'll cast this as if it is one. Stress will be played by Julia Louis Dreyfus, Denial will be played by Kathryn Hahn and Slow metabolism will be a voiceover by Roseanne Barr. If you haven't seen the movie, then this all means nothing. Please go see it, and then come back. No, it's okay. Go. 

According to The American Psychological Association  stress levels of New York City residents are higher than the rest of the country. No shit! Comforting to know I am not the only one freaking out about money and work life out here.  

Denial in thinking I can eat anything and maintain the weight that keeps me comfortable in those skinny jeans... what am I Sarah Jessica Parker? 

Slow metabolism because yes, I have one. It's slower than the elevator of that goddamn 60 year old building I was in in the upper east side today. Gawd, that took forever. 

So what am I doing to change this story? I don't ever want to hear myself say regarding my weight, "life just happened." NO! I am going to affect my LIFE and it's happening in high definition thanks to asserting myself in a recent casting call for participants needing to get back into shape for a 9 week beta fitness program     (which I am very excited to share more on when I legally can) where I'll be working out 30 minutes 5 times a day. I will be asked to share my journey with thousands of viewers. There is NO going back. People are relying on me. I am showing up, and... I am sore as hell today. I know I will be, A LOT, in the weeks and months ahead, but in order to affect my life I gotta go BIG...under the lights, in front of the cameras, for all the world to see. Go figure. I am an actor after all.